letting go||reflection

Whether I like to admit it or not, I will be the first one to own up that I have had a lot of failed friendships. I had trouble finding friends in that stick around longer than a couple of years. I do understand that life goes on and we move on as people, but sometimes I was envious of those around me who have found lifelong friends and have such a tight knit circle of friends. I am not one of those people or so I thought. I trust too much and love even harder, all while I am being left with a friendship that wasn’t going to last to begin with because others don’t trust or love as much as I do. I felt used.  I found myself, chasing the “friends” that weren’t actual friends. I finally let it all go when I became a mother.  

I don’t feel any animosity towards old friends, I always think fond of them and the time we shared together, but realize that we were never really meant to be in each other’s lives.  Growing up as a Navy Brat, I didn’t get to keep all of my friends. Moving on and finding new ones is the way of life when you know you only had a couple years at a new school; Nothing is permanent. I also know that it is extremely difficult to find girl friends (especially at my current age)  as girls are catty and envious more often than not. Though, I’d like to blame all of it on the people I let into my life- I also play a part in failed friendships.


Reason being;

01.   I trust and naive ; I’m an open book. I love to share my experiences with the world and therefore I trust everyone with more than I should so much so that I tend to not keep anything for myself. I believed that everyone had the same intentions that I do when entering a friendship and most of the time people don’t.  Much of that has changed in my life now. I’m still an open book, but a lot of things stay with me for me to carry for myself. I'm in charge of my life and what I share with others.  I trust, within reason and when I'm given a reason to. I've learned the subtle differences between friends, acquaintances and people I just happen to  know.

02.   I compare to what I know; I’m extremely close to my little brother. He is the perfect best friend. He gets me when I’m happy, sad or just blah. He’s always there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on, when I needed the truth to be smacked into me and when I just needed someone to hang out with. Him and I have built a relationship that no one can break down. No matter the distance or time difference we FIND a way to find each other. I instinctively assume that every friend should be like him then realize that NO ONE is like him. Him, my childhood best friend, my daughter and husband are my forever friends. If people don’t meet their standards, I tend to lose interest- or so I did.

03.   I’m busy and selfish; I jam pack my life with things to do because I refuse to just do nothing. I make myself work countless hours during the week, spend all of time with my family and leave no room for time with others. I don’t like to schedule people in, if I don’t really have to. I’m selfish in that way. I put my work first before friends. Also, as many of the people my age are still single it is difficult to explain that I like to spend time with my family. I don’t get time to myself and that’s really how I prefer things. Rarely if ever will you find me at home not doing anything.

After years of being green-eyed to those who have a close group of friends, I realized that my family is my clique. Acknowledging that finding friends in your early 20’s is nearly impossible and almost pointless helps me cope with all of the friends that I’ve lost throughout the years.  My family is the people I run to in my time of need /fun. What I was looking for was right in front of me in this entire time. Appreciating them is what I need to do more of. I am blessed to have them in my life and to know that I don’t need to search for others when they’re all I need.

 Now, don’t get me wrong there is always time to make new friends, but I am now more aware of bringing people into my life.  I’m guarded while keeping my mind open to the fact that there are good people out there that always need a friend. I no longer chase people to stay in my life. It's either you're here or you're not. Friendships shouldn't be be hard. They should flow with ease.  I surround myself with people that value me for me. The people I choose to let in my life now are positive and understand my life better than my friends before. I am grateful for each and everyone of them.  You live and you learn.